Mikey morphed into another Brian. He wants to give me space, he doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't want to hurt me... He doesn't love me. He let go of me. He doesn't want me. If he wanted me, he would have held on and made it work... and instead, he sat back and let me go.

I'm happy with Nate. I don't feel like I need to look back and look ahead and get whiplash worrying about how I'll eventually get back with Mikey. Letting me go means not wanting me. Not wanting me, not needing me... I need to make myself happy. Being with Nate makes me happy. I'm done, I've moved on, I don't need to get married to Mikey. He doesn't need me, I don't need him.

For him to push me to a point where I literally wanted to end my life... and to not even try to pull me back in... I know that you need to pull yourself back in when you get to that point or it won't matter, but I needed someone to tell me I was worth pulling back in. He wouldn't do that. It just showed that he didn't need me. It hurt me so badly...

He clearly wanted to move on and be with Kristina. That's not going to work out, but now he's going to try to be friends with me? Isn't that exactly what he claimed I was doing? I didn't do anything of the sort... I broke it off with Nate because I knew getting serious with him would ruin things with Mikey. I put Mikey first on my list of priorities, I ruined everything that could've made me happy to hold onto something that was making me miserable. And then I realized what I'd done, and I realized that it was a huge mistake, and I realized that I couldn't sit and wait forever for a boy to decide I was worth loving again.

The thing that hurt... was Lilly. I finally thought "Wow, she's a nice girl. She's a good friend. We really get along." but I was completely wrong. She needed to pretend to be a friend so I could drive her to see Nick. After that, I wasn't important to her. She told Mikey to go for Kristina, and told me to hold on. And then there's all his other friends. His friends. Not our friends. His friends who pretended to like me and welcomed me into their circle of friends. And now we have broken up, and they no longer feel a need to be nice to me, talk to me... nothing.

I've come to the point where I know it's ok to let go of friends. Not everyone is a real friend. Not everyone cares about me. I have to stop caring about every single person who couldn't give a shit less about me. I have to let go of them, and hold onto the people who make me happy.

WHY DOES DANIEL LOVE ME NOW?!
WHY COULDN'T DANIEL LOVE ME A MONTH AGO?!
WHY DOES DANIEL DO THIS?!

So... Mikey is doing what he thinks is best. And it has almost killed me.

I can't sit and wait for him. I have to live my life. Hanging out with Nate is the most fantastic thing... I am constantly laughing, constantly smiling, constantly learning something new. It's so much fun. I'm happy - like... I'm honestly happy. I don't even feel like we have to take it slow, I've jumped into this because I don't feel like waiting for someone to be ready to jump into something with me.

Also... sidenotes: Daniel is mad at me. He thought we would end up together and doesn't understand why I didn't open up to him. He doesn't understand that I didn't want to add more drama to his life, because it's already fallen apart so much. Also, John is a little bummed that he won't get a chance to fool around with me until the next time we're both single. that was a lol

Guess who's doing something crazy? I am.

last night, I literally felt like I was dying.
I turned into one of those obnoxious, stereotypical girls who decides she needs to die because life is not worth living without her boyfriend.
I am so emotionally hungover, and I didn't even get to party beforehand.
I still feel like death.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through my probability tests today.
I'm completely fucked, in the most unpleasant way.
And I wouldn't even care, if I had him.

Mikey likes Kristina. Mikey's claiming he didn't lie because I asked if they were thinging, and they technically weren't thinging. He just really likes her. Awesome. I'm going to kill myself.

I'm in love with Michael.
I ended things with Nate. It was hard. He told me he fell in love with me. I don't believe you can fall in love with someone so quickly. I didn't want to hurt him, or break him down... I just wanted to try so that I wouldn't regret not trying. But we tried, and it was wrong. And it was wrong because he wasn't Michael.
I just need him. I need to be with him. I need to spend forever with him. Without him, forever isn't worth it.

LillingBlossoms (1:50:13 PM): I don't want to do a unit
LillingBlossoms (1:50:15 PM): I don't want to be a teacher
LillingBlossoms (1:50:17 PM): I want to be a snowman
lifelovelyrics (1:53:17 PM): ok but i'll be sad when you melt
LillingBlossoms (1:53:25 PM): I'll come back again some day
lifelovelyrics (1:55:29 PM): thanks frostina
LillingBlossoms (1:55:43 PM):
LillingBlossoms (1:55:47 PM): except it's frostine.
LillingBlossoms (1:55:51 PM):
LillingBlossoms (1:55:55 PM): I AM NOT KRISTINA GRISHAM.
lifelovelyrics (1:56:40 PM): OH JEEZ NOT THE EVIL TWIN
lifelovelyrics (1:56:42 PM): sorry
lifelovelyrics (1:57:13 PM): it's just the first way I though of turning frosty female
LillingBlossoms (1:57:18 PM): it's ok
LillingBlossoms (1:57:54 PM): I'll just get one of my meiser friends to kill you.
lifelovelyrics (1:58:09 PM): I love the meisers!
LillingBlossoms (1:58:15 PM): you won't when you're dead.

I'M IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL. AND I NEEDED MANDA TO SNAP ME BACK TO REALITY. AND I CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SO INCREDIBLY IGNORANT TO THE WORLD'S EVENTS.

GAH. I DON'T THINK I WANT TO BE WITH NATE. I REALLY DON'T THINK SO.
AND NOW I'M JUST GOING TO HURT HIM. FUCK MY LIIIIFE.

He still wants me. After all this time? And all that time he had with Sarah? Who'da thunk someone would think I was more appealing than Sarah? I wish I could make everyone I cared about happy.

Panic attacks are back. Full force. What a big, fat, ugly fail.
I need to go. I need to go home. I need to go back. I need to go forward and into the future and to the place where we've grown up a bit and we're happy.

I NEED SLEEP.
I NEED TO STOP PROCRASTINATING.
I NEED THIS SEMESTER TO BE DONE.

Can I put those on my Christmas list, mom?

Maybe I can't decide what I want because I want it all.
Maybe I'm the most selfish of us all.

THREE IS TOO MANY. ALL AT ONCE. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Also... sometimes I hate my body.
Also... I need some sleeping.
Also... napping is a great way to procrastinate.
Also... there is no time to procrastinate away anymore.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I have absolutely no idea what I want out of life.
I don't know what makes me happiest, I don't know how to be selfish and go for whatever it is that makes me happiest.
I don't want all these options, because options just make things complicated.

"I think we could have something serious. We could make it work." and "Hi, you turn me on. Sex?" are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT things. Jesus Christ, what is the world coming to?

On a lighter note... last class before going home! Yay home bed, family, good food, friends, etc...

I spent most of the weekend sleeping at Nate's. And by that, I mean... passed out, snoring loudly, waking up periodically to take medicine or roll over when I heard shots getting close. Sleeping in a stress-free environment made me heal so quickly. How fantastic it was.

AND. ALSO. PS. BTW. WHY DOES DAN THINK WE SHOULD BE DATING?! 'tard. Seriously? "I think we could be something serious." is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Daniel.

I want my happily ever after with Mikey. But if we don't do this now, we will just get an ever after, and it won't be happy. I need to de-stress and be able to enjoy my last year of college without worrying and stressing and freaking out. I need to get to sleep at night, to spend time with friends... I just need to live. And so does he. And so we do our living. And after we do our living, we have happily ever after. And then the world will go back to normal.

Do not yell at me for this. Do not judge me. Do not call me a horrible person. Do not tell me I am doing this so that I can be with other people.

I am doing this because I need to be happy. I am doing this because sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy. I am doing this because I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be happy; and well... I just don't think that's right.

I know you all love Mikey. I love him too. He's still my best friend. Don't ask why I would do this to him. Don't ask HOW I could do this to him. We are still talking. We are still friends. I am not trying to erase him from my life. I am trying to keep my sanity while keeping my best friend. I will always love him. So... just... chill.

I'm going to love Michael forever. Were just on hiatus.